Second Guessing

Second Guessing

To be honest, I’d been waiting for and a little worried about the let down I’d been told was an inevitable part of moving abroad, the point at which the novelty wears off and reality sets in. When there was no let down, I wondered what was wrong with me. Where was second-guessing? The culture shock? Even my doctor in the U.S., an expat himself, had gently warned me to be prepared.

But it didn’t come and didn’t come. I have been here the better part of a year. A couple of things went haywire in this apartment, quirks I just have to live with revealed themselves. And still, no regrets. The winter holidays came and went, and, yes, I missed seeing friends and family in person, but I got through. The winter rains came, some torrential, keeping me inside many days. I was still okay. There is very little central heat anywhere here, and nights were sometimes in the forties. Still, nothing. I ran into some confusion with the medical community during my concussion recovery. And still no.

I’d expected to travel a great deal here, to hop on planes to suddenly-close places, London, Amsterdam, Florence. But I never wake up restless, I never wake up with the urge.

There’s definitely something wrong with me. I’m hardhearted. Out of touch. In denial.

But, no. That’s not the case.

During conversations with visitors considering a move to Portugal or elsewhere in Europe, their questions sometime center on what place will embrace them, what place will make them feel at home. In conversations with those already here who are not adjusting, and even seem bored, the novelty has clearly vanished. What’s the difference?

I think I know.

I didn’t come here for adventure. I didn’t come here to find myself. I came here to be myself. I didn’t need Coimbra to be anything other than Coimbra.

 

Many thanks to Linda and Vince B for the photos. June is a very busy month here, with fairs and festivals nearly every day. I’ve gathered some of their photos and mine for a separate all picture post. Enjoy!

Euphoria: A Dizzy Update

Euphoria: A Dizzy Update

Although clearly recovering from my concussion, there’d been no sign of that delicious sense of well-being that usually washes through after an illness, producing energy. Energy wasn’t just out of reach. It was invisible. Maybe I’d lost the oomph, the impetus, to write. It’s so pleasant being lazy.

My only busy time of day was worrying while typical “what if I’m not good enough, what’s the point” doubts entwined with concerns that I’d lost the need to produce. Day after day, my computer and books and notes sat here glaring. I swear they were whispering mean things.

But yesterday, and again this morning, that euphoria, fresh as day. I’m working again.

Other setbacks have had more to do with family or professional pressures, and have served to spur me forward, to sort things out, find answers. I was fortunate that this illness was relatively short-lived. As I get older, I’d better be prepared for more, long and short. But it’s a relief to know the compulsion to write isn’t something I’m likely to run out of any time soon. There’s still a lot to (try to) make sense of, and more no doubt coming.

For those of you wading through setbacks long and short, I pray for euphoria.

Vanishing Point is One Year Old!

Vanishing Point is One Year Old!

Thinking back over this marvelous year, beginning with the marvelous launch party at the Fairfield County Writer’s Studio thanks to Margarita Shapiro, and coming to a close with putting the finishing touches on my next novel, If Only She Were Different. A sincere thanks to all who have supported my work. Honest. I couldn’t have done it without you. XXOO

Dizzy

Dizzy

It was a typical Sunday here in Coimbra. Bright and sunny, I’d walked from the local train station through Choupal Park, to Centro Hipico de Coimbra – the stables – for my turn with a friend’s horse. I spent a lovely hour or so there, and walked back through the park to the station, as I have done several weeks in a row. It’s about four miles round trip. But I’ve become joyfully accustomed to walking long distances and up and down hills daily. No big deal.

I sat down for a moment to wait for the train. When I stood, my vision went all black at the edges. I fully expected it to clear, I was waiting for it to clear. Instead I came to up through a sea of concerned faces. I’d fainted. My first question was, “Did I miss the train?” I wanted to know how long I’d been out. None of my saviors spoke any English, however. I believe one of the older men was a physician; he was wonderfully calm, took my pulse, checked my eyes. He and his wife helped me to stand. He kept a hold of my hand, taking my pulse now and again, sort of folding my hand into his soft, strong, warm one.

I wanted to marry him.

The trip to the ER revealed nothing. Vital signs normal. Not enough water, perhaps. Or I hadn’t eaten enough breakfast. Or maybe the day was hotter than I was used to. There was nothing to be done. They sent me home with a package of biscuits and a container of milk.

I took a bus. An unfamiliar route. Got off too soon. Had to walk kind of far.

Belatedly, I noticed the back of my head was sore and realized I’d clunked it on the cement wall.

Over the next 48 hours I grew dizzier and dizzier. I recognized the sensations and symptoms. Several years ago I suffered a very bad concussion – a wicked fall off a horse. I was concussed again. And time is the only cure.

My being – and staying – in Portugal largely depends upon my staying healthy and independent. It has been a troubling two weeks. I haven’t been able to move my head, much less work. Or take walks. Or do errands. On one or two days, I was so dizzy and nauseous I couldn’t so much as listen to music. It made me sea sick.

In the middle of this, one of the two very young kittens I only recently adopted died.

Linda and Vince, the friends mentioned in earlier blogs, have brought in groceries and offered daily encouragement. So I am not alone.

But the specter of vulnerability, of dependence, of not being able to walk where I want, or where I need to, of not being able to work, has descended from an abstract place floating somewhere over my head to one sitting just there, in that chair.

I feel better today. I was able to write at least this. I’m encouraged. But will I ever leave my apartment with quite the same confidence? What caused the fainting in the first place? We don’t know. What if fainting is a permanent part of me?